Some songs remind me very poignantly of a place and time. Angel of Harlem, from Rattle and Hum, brings me back to when I used to paint sailboats in my room, and dance. I can smell turpentine and oil. Some songs are reminding me of late 1999, some are reminding me (actually quite painfully) of the fall of 2002.

2003-06-01, I wish they wouldn't

I don't even know if I could explain it to you, which is usually how these things overcome me.

I am often struck with a cloud-like malaise. It comes out of nowhere, it chases off my fine moods. It usually has some events that trigger it, but they might have stewed for months. But once it's here, everything (even the causes) seem indistinct and grey and sad. But also angry.

Sometimes people say things that offend me grievously, but I just have to stare at them, hope that one day they'll recant these stupid things spoken of ill-experience (because haven't I? Haven't I said things that I'm sure have offended?) and hope that I can make it through the conversation without shrieking, beating my arms across their chest, shouting that I love them and so why can they say something so hateful, so childish, about me and the ones I love.

An instance of that is bothering me. It's one thing to offend me. Man, though, it is another thing to say offensive and childish and foolish things about people I've found places for in my heart.

Maybe I shouldn't let these things stew. There have been a number of times I have been tempted to indulge in a forked tongue and a dirty house. I have to admit that I may not be proud of many things I do, but I have avoided several nasty retorts. At the same time, I wonder if someday I'll rot out and cave in.

Love comes in many forms. I believe in learning from literature as much as from my own life, and (lastly, as evidenced by my behaviour) the advice of others. But love comes in many forms. And I'm rarely in a mood to apologise for it.

I'm probably being too vague for words, but whatever.

2003-06-01, Am I rotting out?

Thank you for singing my chains
When I couldn't sleep.
Thank you for chaining me to the bed
That was sweet.
Sing me to sleep.
Sing to me.

My sad brother
My sunny lover

Sometimes you're so heavy,
Sometimes I don't feel you at all.
Feeling for a lightswitch,
I'm feeling this Seconal.
I don't like this party
They won't let me make the drinks.
So I'm not getting drunk,
I don't wanna even think.

I'll even let you pretend
That I didn't resist.
Sing me a kiss.
Sing to me.

2003-06-01, Limbo: selections

"Hey heart! Yeah, you. You don't knock it off, I'm going to rip you out of my chest and set you on fire and then serve you to my maltese lap dog. After chopping you into a fine paste. And seasoning you with parsley. Oh, yeah, sure, I'll be dead, but at least you will be too."

2003-06-01, I hate my heart

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