Summertime

I've been having an okay summer. My family and I have settled into a groove - we fought a bit for the first few weeks but things have quieted down. I like my job better than last year. I only work four days a week, and the pay is good and the work isn't too boring. It's nice to know people there, and small things, like the way my boss says hello to me (hollered, from his office). It makes me smile.

Still, there are not so great things about being home. I get bored easily, and walk around the house jittery for something to do, even though I have a thousand things that I can do. It's weird, really.

More troubling was the day I went to see my old therapist. I pretty much feel like I'm okay, medicated but fine and usually pretty cheerful. But in her office, she knew all the questions to make me upset. I hadn't cried so long in a while. "Why did you come home?" she asked. What else could I have done? "What are you going to do after college?" How do I find out until that happens? I could have done many things, I guess, and I did none. I did the boring thing, I just went home.

My mother comes home from work, and plays Solitaire on the computer for hours on end. I figured this was part of the detox, but it bothers me. She sits in the study and refuses to turns the lights on. I sound like her, I say "It hurts my eyes to look at you play there." It bothers me even more when she plays on a Saturday, in the middle of the day, for hours.

I'm scared about going abroad. When I think about it, my chest tightens. I don't know what to expect, and I know it sounds stupid to be afraid, but I genuinely am. I know I should be adventurous and throw myself to the winds, or something like that, but I don't think I work that way.

I have a friend who does amazing things, and I sound so boring next to her. She's going to the opera in France, and I'm staying at home playing Warcraft because I can't sit still and read long enough to finish the snooty literature I started.

I shall go and throw myself a pity party now.

2002-07-18, Summertime

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