She sat on the couch facing me. I smiled, and talked flippantly about most of my semester, and gushed about my friends and the boys what came from Canada and tried to explain the complicated board. I smiled, and I smiled broadly, but I wonder if she saw me grimace occasionally, or saw how sad I was as I remembered every misstep of this last year. And yes, it's remembering the mistakes I've made, every last one. But it's also just a vague unhappiness that settles in around me.

"I should be so happy," I thought. I said "I am so happy to be home" but wondered if my twitching smile gave me away. The mournful ache in my chest - could she hear that?

2002-12-23, sadness

before / after

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