Wagh, sorry, sometimes I just have to cover up the craptacular stuff I manage to publish.
Here's what's going on in my little inconsequential life:
- I am toying with a history paper. I am enjoying the idea that people think idly about things that we find very important and significant, I like thinking that people are simultaneously very profound and very banal - and are both things without noticing it. Wondering why this plaque matters, and then wondering when our next meal will be. I like thinking of the more casual ways we interact with our past, as just people wandering cities, as people doing our jobs. I hope my professor likes this as well.
- I have been crying a fair amount since my friend moved out. Oh, there are so many worse things that could happen to me! Look, we will see each other this spring, and we are talking about her coming east for a road trip during the summer! But it felt like the end of the world when she left. I clearly have no idea what the end of the world will feel like.
Here's something I've noticed: I'm much more caustically sarcastic when she's around. I absorb this characteristic of hers. I speak the opposite of what I feel, or some combination of truth and lie, and laugh hysterically. She laughs too.
- I love the honor code. I love living by it, I love being a part of it, I love the way my heart swells just a bit when I realize that I am living in this fantastic otherworld that very few people will have had the sublime privilege of being able to experience. This trust! This trust given to me! I love feeling that I am worthy of it, that I am living up to it. It's beautiful.
- One exam left. One terrifying exam, at that.
- Have been bingeing on Nick Cave like you wouldn't believe. My friend who moved out spun some records as we sat and watched the sun. I don't know why I didn't listen to him as a child, because I know I would have loved him. I don't know how to speak about how much I am loving this music without speaking in the most extravagant exaggerations. I know none of you believe me much anymore when I speak.
Let's just say that I enjoy feeling something, I love songs that are so painfully tragic that I feel them. I never understood how we felt our emotions in our bodies, but I know my chest and lungs ache while I listen to these songs. I am willing to give an awful lot to feel things like this. You feel things like this and you know it's onto something. It's not sentimental, it's not naive, it's something else.
- A glowy beautiful old friend is coming tomorrow. I met her six weeks before she graduated. She has a slow brightness to her, and a thorough goodness, that I knew I'd miss her intensely when she'd gone. I was glad I became friends with her, though. I just don't know what it is about these people, but they're just so intensely good. They aren't glamorous or 50 feet tall, but they're just good, through and through. I love her, and not lightly at all.
We're going to see The Two Towers, which I had intended to save for Canada, but I didn't want to miss spending time with this person. I don't get to see her often enough for my tastes.
- Am not very excited about Canada yet, but only because what has to happen beforehand is nervewracking. It could be worse, and all, but it's still nervewracking. I really should get on it all, too.
Hope y'all are well, and snug and safe in your beds through the night, and that you wake up feeling as though you rested enough.
2002-12-18, Nighttime
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