I think I am having my worst semester yet. I don't think I've ever been so unmoved by my classes. I hate being away from the people I love. I am frustrated and upset with my classmates. I want to cry. I had such a good summer and everything was so good, and now I just don't give a fuck. I don't care - then what am I doing here? I know there have to be parts of this process that I won't like, all the time, but I don't want to be here right now. I barely have done any work this semester. I have done no real research. I half heartedly search for journal articles, I half assedly check out books and don't read them.

I do want to graduate with my friends, and I do want to finish this in four years.

Lots of things have conspired against me: I made the mistake of taking an English course, I am taking two courses outside of my major, I am taking one coures in a field I have never bothered with and probably can't continue very much with, and I'm taking the most miserable, required class on the planet. My two best friends are very far away and I am slowly losing touch with them. My favorite professor is gone for the year and I can't take any classes from my other favorite. Yeah yeah yeah, I complain about this all the bloody time, it's boring and I hate that I complain so much.

I've never felt this terrible about school before, not since I started. I used to feel this way in high school, like I was living from vacation to vacation, from weekend to weekend, and I couldn't do the work because I just could not bring myself to care about it. I used to care and I used to work very hard but I don't right now. I used to love research, and loved holing myself up in the library with books and journals, and loved writing long, thoughtful papers.

A month is left.

2002-11-24, A month is left of school and I feel awful

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