I know I'm a pain in the ass, but I try to make up for it, you know? I try.

All of my friends have nearly always thought that all of my other friends aren't good enough for me. And I suppose I'm flattered, but it's made me not behave in the most tactful manner. Okay, I've behaved in some downright nasty ways.

James didn't think that my friends in highschool were good enough for me. I think my friends could tell this, and were very cool about the idea of James. Instead of just letting things slide, or die natural deaths, I wrecked a few of my highschool friendships in a violent fashion.

It's a bad combination. James wouldn't have suggested that I behave violently. In fact, he cautioned me often not to. But James did suggest (And oh, how credulous I am! I am so credulous.) that they weren't "good enough" for me.

Steph doesn't believe that my friends here are any good. I have fallen for Charlotte. You just have to trust me. Just a little bit. (I know, I know...) I like her a lot.

These days I always kinda feel like I see people, and know them well enough, to trust that they are more than worthy of me. If anything, I doubt myself, though not a debilitating amount.

This make sense?

At the same time as I want people to trust my judgment, I know very well that I've been wrong about people in the past. I fall for them, I love them to death, and then they treat me poorly.

I think that I sort of rank people in my head. There are lots of people who I am perfectly happy to be on friendly, nice terms with but I would not allow them much closer to me. I can stand most people - as classmates and coworkers - but I wouldn't go out of my way to stay friends with them. But there's a certain quality of good-heartedness, and intelligence, that I require of my really close friends.

Anyway. I got a lovely letter from my friend Erica. She deserves all the love I can give her - and I know her pretty well so I feel fairly qualified to say so. She gives me very clearheaded advice. So does kT and Jason and Shan. I doubt I deserve it, sometimes. Like right now.

2003-02-26, The world isn't always margocentric

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