Hard on for love (hard on for love).
So, my family needs to quit acting like the mafia and also quit expecting me to get my brother a job at the library. Hey, whose fault is it that he doesn't have a job? Oh right, his. No stretch of the imagination can possibly make it my fault that he's going to spend his summer sitting around on his lazy arse. I gave him contacts, and he should have done something. Look, he can start harvesting his organs now or he can sit around all summer. I think the choice is clear.
2003-06-25, Okay Dad? You can lay off now.
Ah oui oui.
My bank account is in surprisingly better shape than I would have wagered, which is stunning since I have made no money of my own since January and have lived like a baron.
I got back from my "I'm a rich white girl and have a personal trainer but I've gotten over being embarrassed about having a personal trainer" personal trainer. Yeah, I know I'm an upper-class twit. It isn't lost on me.
She hadn't seen me since September, so she didn't notice the twenty pounds gained from beer and chocolate in Wales. She thinks I look great! Hoorah for relativity! I feel very very good to have gone back, and suspect I will hurt tomorrow. She makes me work, and it's grand, and I really like her a lot. I'm so happy.
I read some obnoxious thesis in part about the american dream and queer-ness. Is there anything wrong with wanting babies? Because I really want babies. Screw you if you think I'm buying into some American dream put forth by the evil patriarchy, because I don't think it works that way. I think I'm wired that way, and I want babies. Right now.
Okay, okay. In a few years.
Fuck this patriarchy business. I think I've just stopped buying into it. Not that I'm going to quit signing my letters "death to the patriarchy" but man. I've probably pissed off all of my feminist friends, and I totally think I am a feminist, but I just can't stand for vague notions about an Evil Omnipresent Patriarchy socialising us. Because, no. Just no. Maybe ads are sexist because advertisers are canny about human desires, not because advertisers are the right hand of an evil patriarchal conspiracy. Obviously to understand behaviour doesn't excuse it, but I think it's just helpful to think about different possibilities for the way things are. Because once we understand why the way things are, the better we can deal with them, right?
I want a boyfriend. Man. That would be nice.
2003-06-24, You say parkay
So, one of my girlfriends is having not-really-breaking-up-but-kinda-breaking-up problems right now. Asking me for relationship help makes about as much sense as asking an elephant to drive your tractor trailer, and you know the only thing that can result is discomfort, blood, embarrassment, and a lot of pain.
She's out of town, and when she gets back made me promise that I won't get upset with her if she has to spend all of her waking hours with me and is Very Sad. All I wanted was to give her a hug, and the phone seemed very inadequate. She asked me to talk about Charlie's graduation, and so I chattered on glibly and insouciantly about everyone I saw, who looked hott, who was there, where everyone is going. Oh Middletown gossip! But she hiccoughed and sobbed, and I just didn't know what to do for her. I kept threats of violence to a minimum, for once.
I could tell from the way she talked about it that she'd consulted everyone and everything (and probably lousy fashion mags) about her relationship - the way she sounded like she was reciting a carefully learned script. I mostly felt ineffectual, and made soothing noises, but I can't wait to hold her and have her around every waking hour even if she's sad.
She asked me about the boys in Wales, and I put it this way: "The other day in the library lounge I was pouring myself a cup of coffee. I was staring at the cup, and as the coffee came up to the brim and started flowing down the sides and across the table and onto the floor, I registered all of it but for some reason continued to pour the coffee everywhere. I think it was momentary insanity. I think I had a week in Wales that was like that."
2003-06-18, tears
Ah chenguin, it's never wrong to think about your boss in that way. I wish I had a hot boss. My boss instead of being hott has a sticker on his desk proclaiming that "I may look funny but I'd kick your ass on Jeopardy." I don't doubt it. Also my boss has so totally dressed up like a lady ... and an attractive lady at that! All the librarians yesterday started singing "This magic moment" and I just laughed and laughed.
Ah, good to be home.
Well except for my parents. They do cook for me so I suppose I should be grateful.
When my mom was on national TV once (environmentalists just get all the press!) my two year old brother ran up to the screen and kissed it and shouted "Mom! Can you see me? Can you see me?"
You should come to CT Cheng! There's wildlife and touristy kitsch! There was this guy who played Sherlock Holmes in the theater. He has this crazy house with weird locks and a table designed to entertain his millions of cats. You'd dig it. Plus there's me and my parents are good cooks (if psycho), and it's like 15 bucks each way on the train. Come up for a weekend! We even have a guestroom free for a few weeks.
I am so amused by this, but apparently a black bear was found roaming Main Street Middletown. HAHAHAHAHA!
It climbed a tree.
Now, I have no bosses today so I think actual work is going to be at an all time low - even for me.
xo,
margaret2003-06-14, you are privy to my mass emails. I hope you feel duly special
My dad is driving me CRAZY.
CRAZY.
2003-06-13, I gotta quit saying that I'm going to murder him, though
Five minutes.
I'm working. Okay, now there's only one minute, but my anguished soul has needed to talk for a while. Maybe later. ANGUISH, I tell you, ANGUISH!
2003-06-12, ANGUISH
Hi, I'm home.
I have a stomach-ache, my plant nearly died, my cat got fat and so did I, but life is still various versions of grand. It's four in the morning but I can't sleep because I'm on England time. I'll walk to work today and hopefully every day. Though hopefully every day I won't go to sleep at seven.
It's good to be home.
2003-06-10, it's good to be home
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