"There's a pathetic number of juniors at the stepsing, so I figured if you were nearly finished with your paper..."

"I haven't even begun to work on my paper," I said.

She started cursing me. "What the hell have you been doing? It's been an hour and a half!"

"Well, first I took off my clothes and turned off the lights and lay on my bed with only my lantern lit, then you see, I was trying to center myself..."

"Agh!"

I have had a really hard time focusing lately. I need to go see Frau Doktor and see if there's something the matter with my divers medicines, because I am hoping that there is some sort of thing I can do to make myself quiet down. I can't read for very long, I constantly say that I'm going to clean my room and I don't, and I haven't gotten work done. I'm bored, and yet I can't take care of any task long enough to alleviate my boredom. I'm reading about ten books at once. I try not to complain, because I hate it when people complain and then don't do anything about it, I just don't know really what's wrong with me. I can't sit still. I'm perpetually distracted and frenetic.

I'm perpetually writing these uninteresting and bland journal entries in my paper notebook, full of "I am this" and "I am that" type sentences, or "I am feeling this" and "I am feeling that." They are so boring and they lack a good narrative but I write just constantly, miserable terrible stuff.

So tonight I tried to quiet myself down, by laying still and quiet in my dark room, but this doesn't seem to have helped. Perhaps tea is in order. I don't really know what's in order.

2002-10-27, frantic

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