A resurrected diarist.
She that had sworn of online diary-ing is here again. What do we make of this?
Well, I suppose a major factor in here is blasted laziness. I am fantastically lazy. I went from semi-complicated web design to bread and butter basics over the course of a year building webpages. I got lazy. I got tired. I got sick of the routine of FTP, uploading, and maintaining an archives page. (I got sick of other things too: like my life in general...) I know that there are tons of people who have kept journals for years and haven't been afflicted by the Dread Sloth, but I have it, and I'm here.
I've always been hysterically self conscious about my online journals. I can't remember my days of pre counter bliss, but there is nothing like a hit counter to delve you into Web Building Depression. It really got me down. I'm also really hard on myself. It almost didn't matter that very few people saw my website; I could be counted on to go through it and rip it to shreds.
I do know this: I like journalling when its easy and its helpful for me. That may seem like such an obvious statement, but there have been so many times that I've forced myself to write in a journal (online and off) that its made me absolutely miserable. Essentially, I was forcing myself to write journal entries that I later loathed with a passion.
Now, there have been times when I've written in a journal when it's been fun, fulfilling, and I can be happy. Now,the plan is to do that here. I want to be happy with every word I write down. It's my mission.
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(pst: those indicate shift in gears... I do that a lot. couldn't write a thematic journal entry if I tried, so I don't.)
Alright, every time I try to do this I fail miserably. I do think that its necessary though. I will now tell you odds and ends about me: the girl who is writing this.
My name is margaret. Maybe I should've said that off the bat, but its margaret. I was not named after a saint, and I was not named after Margaret Thatcher or the Judy Bloom character (though I do identify with her on some levels). I am 5'7". I row crew. And run cross country. And am in that no-sports land (whaddaya want me to do? basketball?) that stretches from November to March. So I'm not in great shape currently. It's only a matter of time until I can start rowing. Rowing always saves me from whatever hell I find myself in.
I figure I'm relatively smart. I attend highschool, (oh the fun) and perform relatively well. (never well enough...)
I have self doubt. Anxiety. I am hard on myself. I'm not a perfectionist though: when I get really upset and uptight about my performance (whether it be online, or in school, or anywhere) I tend to shut down completely instead of working harder. Currently, I'm in my "shut down" phase. Suffering from depression. Trying to break the cycle, and trying to snap out of it, and trying to quit sleepwalking.
I like punk rock. (patti smith, the clash, sex pistols) I like corporate indie rock. (P J Harvey.) I like U2. And the corrs. I've only seen Tori Amos in concert. She was pretty cool though, I must say.
I've been building webpages since 1998, december 28th. Actually, I had one before that sometime in 1996. There was a No Connection Time somewhere along the way.
Around people, I try to be fairly reserved. Cautious. Careful with myself. I like to see all the sides of an argument (while I think there are several arguments that simply don't have any opposing sides) I like to be thoughtful and thorough when I argue. Anything.
I'm a leo. My parents are geologists. I can't write poetry for shit. And my prose leaves something to be desired (and more than just grammar, but possibly heart and some sort of spirit.) I have no religion. I love arguing. I love email. I drink gallons of seltzer. I named my car alice. I named my cat sampson. My other cat, gilbert, died not long ago. I like writing. Don't know why I like putting it online, but I like doing that too.
2000-01-02, Maybe it's the valium speaking...
before / after archives / website / hello book / diaryland