I turn my head

Hi,

This is what happened in margaret-land today:

I wore a skirt in the freezing cold december air. I wore sandals too. People referred to them as "flip-flops" but that makes them sound plastic and cheap. No, really, they're just white flat sandals. I was very cold. I guess it wasn't too bright to wear sandals and a skirt on a cold day, but I wanted to wear my new headband and didn't have any other clothes that would go. The headband hurt my head, but hey, I can't win 'em all.

When I wasn't being very very very cold, I was smling like a cheshire cat. I've been working on my ambiguous smile, and I think I've perfected it. My veins are throbbing, I'm happy about something. Maybe it's a secret, but I wouldn't know. I'm being ambiguous.

I am happy. Inexplicably, but I am. Or is it lying to say that it's inexplicable? Maybe I'm very deliberately happy. Maybe I'm very much in love. Maybe I'm glad to be alive. Maybe I want to keep you guessing. Maybe I'm a mother.

I came home from school and felt grimy. School leaves a mental film of dirt on me, and I spend most of the night trying to get it off me. I wash my hair, and take baths, and spend time lying in bed. I curl into bed and stop my brain from thinking. I won't sleep or read or worry about school, I just breath. Today I felt grimier than usual. Filthy, dirty, and unclean. (I'd spent two hours trying to understand a physics lab, which probably contributed to this feeling.)

I am feeling strange emotions that are past my ability to articulate. Last night on Moxie's post board, I said "I exist in the realm of water, salt, light, children, birth, and air." That's about as near as I come to articulating it. That's what I feel like. I feel like Lady Macbeth. I feel clean, and alive, and see-through. Transparent.

And ruthless.

"But I was free. I needed nobody. It was beautiful." - patti smith.

2000-01-12, An entry that reminds me of setlzer...

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