When I was younger, and when I was crying, right before my mom would spank me, she would always say without fail "I'll give you something to cry about." I hated it so much. What's worse is that I hear it now sometimes in their tone of voice. They don't understand why I'm crying - neither do I - but it makes them angry. It makes them so angry. I think they're really frustrated. They don't know what makes me so sad or upset but neither do I after three years of therapy, I have no clue. They tell me I'm crying over stupid things, that I should buck up, and when they do they're angry with me.

When I was younger, and I used to cry because things didn't go my way, I knew it was inappropriate to be crying about such small things. When people asked me what was wrong, I would lie without fail. I would say that I was sad about our dog Willie who died when she was hit by a car. But I never told anyone that Willie had died a year ago and I wasn't sad about her death anymore.

I don't know why I'm crying and I don't know what is wrong with me and I couldn't tell you. Not if you hung me by my thumbs. I couldn't tell you. There's no real reason that I know of. I don't want anyone here in person to know that I'm sitting here, typing and sobbing. But at the same time I desperately want to talk to someone. I don't even know why. I have no excuse. I have no lie for you.

I have this bad feeling that the medicine I'm taking is not the right way for me to be handling this problem. I don't know what's wrong with me.

2001-10-16, No answers

before / after

archives / website / hello book / diaryland