I would like to diagram out how I feel, without long lists of adjectives and emotions. Angry, hurt, sad, dejected, disappointed, flustered, frustrated, confused, bewildered, wistful, nostalgic. Yup.
I would like to figure out what I think my Our Bodies Ourselves fetish means for now, and what I can do for right now to feel what I want. I don't know if I can do that.
I know I want to feel settled. I know I am tired of moving. I am worried about starting out on my own.
I want something that feels like home.
But I will excise that which does not give me what I want. Life is too fucking short to not know what you want, or at least have a vague idea.
2003-11-15, fucking more
Nothing like intense vacillations between extraordinary anger and overwhelming sadness to make my day.
In a really awful way, I sit around and read Our Bodies Ourselves and wish for the kind of companionship that comes from knowing someone for a very long time.
Sometimes being at Bryn Mawr is the most miserable place to be.
I want to call my mom but she'll just tell me to go to grad school to meet men, and I don't really feel like listening to that again. I just want to graduate, get an apartment and a cat, and I feel like those are all very likely and probable and achievable things. But I don't want to be alone. I just don't. I will dance and read and cook and cuddle my cat and be enough for myself, but I still want companionship. A travel partner. A best friend. A lover.
And it is so bloody hard to imagine that happening.
2003-11-15, fuck everything
Boy, besides being really confrontational with wasps lately, there's been nothing going on. Well, that's the impression I get of my life from my top secret diary!
I am waiting for Jessie to wake up so I can make her be courageous for me. Sometimes I just am couraged out. And right now I'm a little angsty and just need my Jessie.
I had a really nice talk with Niccimae last night. I really like that I have my pen pals. They are a good addition to my life.
I had a lovely night with Jessie last night, too. Ahhh.
2003-11-10, used to have a donkey that i loved a lot
I trapped a wasp between the screen and my window, and I watch it pace like a caged tiger. Yeah, wanna try to take over my room again, Wasp Man? I DIDN'T THINK SO!
It hovered around my room like an alien space craft.
At breakfast I said "Sarah, quick! What Roman goddess am I thinking of? I think they swiped her from somewhere, and she's got two big jungle cats next to her and she's associated with a city, she does her whole fertility thing..." and she said "You're thinking of Cybele. She's Syrian, I think."
"Yes! That's her. I feel like Cybele today."
"So you're saying you're in a castrating mood today."
"Well not in that regard."
Today apparently ten hours of sleep was not enough: I slept all afternoon. Cool? NO.
2003-11-09, but i look cute today
All you crazy weirdos who keep telling me to "don't think, just do" and "don't think, just feel" and "RELAX" can just stuff it! Are you Yoda? HUH? I didn't THINK so!
Excuse me, I need to go give myself an ulcer now.
I would like to follow up that morose bit of verse (and it had no real significance, except that I stare as though God struck a child with nameless fears and I remembered how much I loved it) with the observation that my legs are so scaley. I must have a vitamin deficiency. Maybe that's why I bruise so easily.
Gonna work out in ten minues. Boy I need it. I'm getting pudgy.
Everything we renounce except our selves;
Selfishness is the last of all to go;
Our sighs are exhalations of the earth,
Our footprints leave a track across the snow.
We made the universe to be our home,
Our nostrils took the wind to be our breath,
Our hearts are massive towers of delight,
We stride across the seven seas of death.
Yet when all's done you'll keep the emerald
I placed upon your finger in the street;
And I will keep the patches that you sewed
On my old battledress tonight, my sweet.
Oh, before I forget!
Happiest moment of late was sitting on the steps of the penitentiary with Jessie, killing time. I was talking to her about how the moment I learned the word "ambivalent" was the happiest moment of my life because suddenly I could explain so much! (She did not feel similarly, but that's ok.) "How do I feel about my parents? Why... Ambivalent! How do I feel about school? Why... Ambivalent!" What a fantastic word!
I announced that I am the reigning Queen of Ambivlia. Then we composed the national anthem, which is like "Ammmbivlia aammmmmmbivlia God loves and hates thee truly yet falsely also! Ammmmbivlia aaaaaaaambivlia We know not what you mean to us!" Sing it with a particularly ambivalent melody, too.
2003-11-04, It's how I feel about EVERYTHING
Oh, I love Germans Ariel. You know that. I love the German sense of humor as manifested in graffiti. I love this class, actually. It's one of the few that gives me such intense pleasure. My religion class is treating me better, I have to admit. I gave a decent presentation, which is nice. I don't like it that I always play the fool, and I didn't play the fool and I didn't cop out and I said good things, and that's always refreshing.
I'm in a strange mood. A little bit uneasy and a little bit restless. A little bit skittish and anxious.
Mood ring section OVER, I am overwhelmed with the Terrible Weight of Academia. But I laugh because I remember this morning when I dropped Steph off at the eye doctor. When I said "I have wasted my brain!" she said "No no, what's more pointless than History?" She laughed and pointed to herself and said "Art History!"
But as long as it makes me happy, that's good enough. That's all I need. I don't even care if it's the illusion of happiness (I feel very "walks like a duck, etc" about happiness, so much that I don't give a damn if it's authentic or whatever.)
I received a letter from James which noted that he is reading The Stranger and it reminded me of the day I learned the song "Killing an Arab" was actually about that story and whoaa! That was a nice moment, I have to admit. I was like "Ah, thank GOD Robert Smith did not stand on a beach and kill an Arab."
2003-11-04, Love, Margaret
I can't stop listening to Once in a Lifetime. All I want to do is go to sleep, although I have three more hours of work slated.
Here's the Schedule of Me for the week. It's crazy but manageable. I sat down with Jessie and we made my schedule.
Pick German class research paper topic (Done!)
do bibliography (done!)
Assemble notes for spirituality presentation (working on this)
Go to bed with Germans ("And have efficient German sex!" I shouted, while Jessie squealed about the thought of efficient sex.)
FUN: Tea at midnight with Jessie.
Find religion topic
Come home, read Germans
Write response paper on Germans
Start senior sem presentation
Play backgammon with Jessie
Work on presentation
1 religion reading
FUN: Watch Reno 911
Annotate bibliography for religion class term paper
FUN: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead!
2003-11-03, Crazy but okay
It is very warm out.
Walking back from luncheon, I ran into Florina. Oh how I love this girl. I met her one night when I was drunk, and giggled and washed my face. Every time after that she would ask me "Are you drunk, Margaret?" and I would say "No Florina, I'm not drunk, I'm quite sober." And she would say "Then why are you so happy, Margaret?"
"Why are you so happy, Florie? Aren't you sober too?"
"Oh, I am happy because you spread happiness!"
I love this girl.
So today she was wandering around and taking pictures of the trees. We talked about our day and the things we have to do (all I keep thinking lately is "do the dumb things i gotta do, touch the puppet head.") and all of a sudden she said "Will you give me a hug?"
I laughed and hugged her and said that we are always open for the hug business, anytime she needs a hug.
Work is overwhelming me right now. I should quit with the procrastinating and start formulating some paper theses.
I just think that when you're in a good mood, you should take note of it so that you can remember that it is possible to be in a good mood even when you're not.
Or something like that.
2003-11-03, clear through
This is sometimes just my mood ring. Today we're green. Oh wait, blue? I don't know, it's okay. My mom came today and it was Lantern night. I could wax poetical about it or I could stop procrastinating and do some homework. I have some beautiful perfume, and my mom said "Now, just use a bit!" as I sprayed it with abandon all over me. I want to drown in it. I want to wrap my hair around it.
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