Charming your socks off

Bangor is so dreamy in that they reply to my emails. (It's beautiful.) I almost don't care if they let me in or not, but the fact that they respond briskly to my emails makes me want to get it on with that school. Prompt email replies: sexy. (By extension, I am very unsexy.)

Six hours of sleep. It's warm and bright in my room. While I should have been working, I read a book on the science of illusion. It's a lot of optics, and that's interesting. I was always so annoyed when I was doing research on medieval science, because all anyone ever writes about is optics. I don't like eyeballs, in the same way that I don't like egg yolks.

The introduction unnerved me. It talked about the experience of the beheaded - you see your body lying before you and feel like you're looking down on it. So either the book is lying (likely enough) or someone asked a person after beheading what exactly it felt like.

(Yesterday my friends poured milk on a hardboiled egg yolk to "fertilize" it. I let loose an unholy and ungodly scream, I dare say. It was really upsetting. I told them not to mess with fertility symbols so.)

I spent two years insulating myself, physically and psychologically, against any desire for men. I rejected them before they had a chance to reject me. Now that I have changed my mind, and welcomed desire into my life, I am insufferable. I am chomping at the bit to get out of this school, sometimes. I'm going to have absolutely no clue how to deal with men, how to be with them.

It's also possibly the worst time in my life to want a boyfriend. Anyone here (right, that I'd meet in the next two weeks), I'd have to be like "Hahhaa, you're wonderful and all but I'm probably going away for five months, bye!" or anyone in Wales would just have to be an empty fling, because I don't think that sort of distance is much fun, in the least. This guy I used to talk with (you know him well) used to say that the thing you worry about resulting from sex is not babies but exes - they're inevitable. It's a sad, awful thought and I think he was right, now.

Sometimes we say that someone sucks "as a person," but it's emphasized by saying "she sucks as people." It got out of hand one night, and lots of people were derrided as "sucking as matter" or "sucking as a cultural construct" or "sucking at an atomic level." It was highly charming, I assure you.

2002-12-04, Charming

before / after

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