"Nobody loves me, but Jesus loves me," she wept. "Jesus loves me, but nobody loves me." And Tom Waits sang that you gotta come on up to the house. And alone in my room at the prow of the house I will cry and cry, "Oh how I love you." "Oh walk in grace and light." "Oh forgive me." "Oh be like Christ to me." Oh how I love you how I love you beautiful girl how I love you.

2003-10-21, Oh your crying don't do no good

Walking down the path between the trees, I was overcome with a feeling of terrifying strength. For a moment, I realized that this year is my trial by fire, but that I will be like Anne Bradstreet and claim the lines as my own: That fearfull sound of fire and fire, / Let no man know is my Desire.

2003-10-21, love song for nemo

Go, don't stay, just throw it all away, there is you and then there is your body.

2003-10-16, When you say yes, I say no

Good morning!

It's fall break, and honey, we're enjoying ourselves. Oh my days are full of love and movies. We cannot, however, be arsed to study for the GREs. Heh. 115 dollars, down the drain.

I went to a career counselor, and realized that I have to make some kind of decision (and worse! do some kind of work!) about what I'm doing next year. Sometimes I feel like going to the Mawr was putting off this decision for four years and I realized I cannot defer on it anymore.

I went to the career counselor, who told me 1) don't go to graduate school if you're at all ambivalent about it and 2) don't go to graduate school as the path of least resistance and 3) don't go to graduate school.

Well then. That means I have to find a job. Not just a job at Discount Pete's House of Useless College Students, but a job I don't hate. If I hadn't lost my soul on a bad bet regarding Gabriel Byrne, I would sell my soul for a job I didn't hate with all my mortal passion.

You know, it's like I know that everyone and her mom has faced these situations in the past, but when it happens to me it's like "Whoa Oh Whoa! THIS IS NEW AND EXCITING AND TERRIFIED AND CALLED LIFE LET US TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME!"

Whoaa!

Meanwhile.

I got nothin'.

I got stuff, but it's secret. You lose! I win!

2003-10-16, Your daddy don't know what your momma's gonna do tonight

Oh, my.

Friday night, I went to the Dan Bern concert. Halfway through, my throat constricted and I started to weep, though I can't really tell you why. I thought I'd choke unless I started to cry. After a long and arduous drive to take my friend home, I went to my girlfriends' room to drink beers and cry. The crying came first, in huge, racking sobs. But we came to a realization which made me very happy indeed - which is that it is quite likely that the baby pills have made me so intensely hormonally psychotic and it isn't really me after all. I really like to think of it this way, because I don't like the idea of me being nuts.

Not entirely.

We had a good talk, though, and I always appreciate those kinds of nights.

I dunno, not much of a story. I had a really nice evening that involved good conversation, good wine, good collard greens, and a good friend. I may be involved in some kind of wedding scheming, which pleases me. I bought an entirely striking red sweater today that is entirely flamboyant and over the top, but I don't care. I have to wear it proudly. Because baby, it's loudly.

Har har.

Nothin' much to say, nothin' much to do. I've determined that women are so much sexier with a huge white dog. I want to be the sexy woman with the huge white dog. Every time we go to the square, we ogle the dogs that pass by and I always ask "Do they come in white?" I love big, white, shaggy dogs with the fire of a thousand suns. My friend did research, and sent me a message reading "Great Pyrenese, Kuvasz or Samoyed, those are your sexy dogs." I'm so pleased. What better reason to get a dog than increase your sex appeal, eh? It's my best plan to date.

2003-10-11, sexy dogs

Man, you'd think I'd be excited about seeing Dan Bern but instead I'm just really wanting to stay in with the girlfriends and watch movies. Like, Robert Redford movies. I feel like a big sap. A big, lazy sap.

I didn't really think I looked like a trollop today, but for some reason the construction workers feel obliged to leer and smile in a lecherous way at me. I used to get a sort of ego boost out of this, but now-a-days I just feel uncomfortable and refuse to make eye contact with male-persons for the rest of the day.

2003-10-10, miserable and sluttish

I may or may not be an artist without an art form.

2003-10-09, Therefore I may or may not be dangerous.

Tonight we're dancing and we don't want anyone to see.

Tonight we're almost crying and we don't want anyone to know.

Tonight we're overcome and our hair is falling down in clumps and everything just feels Too Much and Tonight we don't even know what we could possibly want, besides everything.

2003-10-08, tonight

I don't wanna be dancing with the wall flower
I want you cause you can paint your toe-nails.

Today I am restless. I wander around the campus, but I have too much energy. I can't sit still and do my work. It's too early to try to go to sleep by a country mile. The best solution would be to drink myself into an oblivion.

Or not.

In other important news, the hair front has been troubling. I was really thrilled with the way my hair was growing out, and thought it looked quite nice thank you very much. However, lately it's grown clumpy and stringy and dull. My friend suggested washing my hair with Tide. Am going to try it, but am apprehensive to say the least.

It's that or 35 bucks on a haircut (cheap haircuts aren't worth the anguish).

Hrm.

I really must find a way to dispell this excess energy. I'm going to go mad, and it will be very messy.

2003-10-08, God knows, God knows

There's no place for this, but I love my sexual self. I love how thrummingly alive I feel today, vibrant and flushed. I love that I know what I need and I know what I like. I love that even though that's true, I'm always being surprised by what arouses me. I love that this is part of my life.

I love going on dates with cute men and dreaming about them all night. I love growing slick and wet when watching a movie, or at the grocery store, or when my mind wanders in my history class. I love that my sexuality is complicated, complex, thorough, surprising, has a sense of humor, and is constantly shifting. I love that I can feel songs warm my hips. My sexual self is a mosaic made up of a thousand different memories. It's turned on by words and by pictures. It doesn't give a damn what people say. And it adds so much to my life.

2003-10-08, The sensual world

At work, I came across this solicitation by an alum for monies. She wrote to the potential donor: "I don't like going about pestering people, I like to be retiring and womanly, but my dear sir, I want your money!" I thought it was the best thing ever, and wrote it down and taped it to my computer. Dear sir! (He turned her down. What a yackass.)

2003-10-07, Dear sir

I know that life isn't art and art isn't life, but I'll be damned if I don't love people who live like it is.

2003-10-07, TRP

Life has been full of fantastic silent films lately. I saw "The Black Pirate" at the Prince this weekend with luh-ive orchestral accompaniment. (I was expecting crappy avant garde but no! I was pleasantly surprised with rather traditional melodies with less than traditional instrumentation.) And tonight! Birth of a Nation, baby! Five million hours of bigotry, oh a happy girl am I.

I have this terrible dream of putting on Under Milk Wood. It's terrible because it's a radio play, and I have no experience in the theatre. I don't know what I'm thinking when I want to do it, except that I know I'm happiest when I'm challenging myself and keeping busy.

Today I finally brought myself to do a few things. First, I ran, which was important because I have been miserable for the past week and jogging is something that helps this. I did not jog out of worry for my waist, or any such business, but simply because exercising makes me happy and relieves stress and it was a beautiful day out. Secondly, I brought myself to look at my transcript, where I realized to my horror that I'm short four crucial credits. I took care of it, though, which makes me feel very together, and very in control. I've felt like I was losing control over myself and my life for the past six days, and today was the seventh. I was determined not to let the loss of control slip into today.

2003-09-29, birth

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