such a pity

There's nothing like waking up disappointed.

I cried most of the evening, then slowly and with deadened limbs crawled into pajamas at the bidding of a - I don't know what to call her anymore. I suppose "friend" for convenience's sake. I haven't talked an awful lot about what's been going on here, because it wouldn't be fair to them, but my dorm life has caved in during the last month. I'm exhausted. Last night was what would determine for me whether or not I would try moving out.

She tucked me into bed and I read for a while and just tried to forget about what was going on. I wore my pathetically bad mood pajamas - the ones I wear when I'm sick. I kept thinking about all the worse things that could be happening. There are many worse things than losing friends. I could be losing them literally. Then I realized that's something I fear might happen, and cried some more.

Sleep was wonderful, though, and made me wish I could sleep away the next month. I dreamt wonderful things - I dreamt about riding a horse, about being a star basketball player, about shopping at a fantastic thrift store that had rainbow shoes and lots of pillows. I woke up and was so sad. No rainbow shoes or horse of my own, just the regular world with all the stuff I have to do to today.

I don't believe in waiting for things to get better anymore. I don't believe in waiting for next year, I am going to take care of this now. But oh, my heart dreads this. Nothing feels right anymore, and I'm so sad and worried that I wish I only lived in my dreams with my horse. People say the same things over and over again. You can only take care of yourself. You can't solve other people's problems. But how sad I am, how tired.

2001-03-29, A great pity

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