First report
Apologies, my journal! The more I have to say, the less time I have to write it all down.
Most briefly, I am at college.
Less briefly. I spent the first few days in emotional limbo. I was happy to be here, but I missed a lot of people. I was disconcerted by no one knowing me. When we first moved in, I snapped at my parents occasionally. I lost my sense of humor during the hauling of boxes and trying to fit carpet into the room in thickly humid weather. Particularly the second day, I felt stress from every limb pulling me taut. I was worried about a lot of money issues. I was truly antsy about setting up the internet connection. I didn't (and still don't) know how to set up my long distance account. My dean scared me witless about schoolwork. I didn't think I'd find a friend.
That seems like such a generic list of things to make me upset, but all of them really kept me quivering on the more upset side of my emotional range. I didn't break down or anything, I mostly pulled myself together and got through the first few days. I was usually too tired to feel very much. It looks like it was overwhelming, but bad stuff didn't get the best of me.
And then it started getting better. I forgot about being on the lookout for friends, and then I started finding people that I liked. I wander the campus a lot when I'm bored or tired of my room. It's very beautiful, and there are hiding places and nooks and places to curl and be alone. This is important to me. I have a balance between good people and places to hide from those people, so I should be fine.
My mother emails me about once a day. I like emailing her more than I ever liked sitting around and talking to her. I write her about everything, even things I would be reticent about in person. She said that my emails feel like myself, which is a good and reassuring thing. It's a good feeling that I sound authentic to her. That means that I am authentic to people who don't know me in person.
This is a beautiful place. I feel like I need a suit of armor in order to walk around. The neighboring college, Haverford, is much more Pennsylvania Dutch in feel. My college is German Castle in feel. There are definitely not enough goth chicks here to take advantage of the vaulted ceilings and turrets.
I would die to talk about some of the people. I go around taking pictures of the buildings, I write journal entries about the architecture, but I would love to write about the people. At the same time, real life concerns take precedent over my artistic expression. I don't want to write about anyone here without their consent, and I haven't even bothered (really, i swear it's just a matter of sloth) to tell people about this journal.
Anyway, here are some dorm pictures. The room itself is a two room double. Sort of like, one room and a Very Big Closet where there are bunkbeds. I think my dorm was designed by M. C. Escher sometimes. There are owls on the living room bannister. The living room looks sort of like a hotel. Impersonal and a little ritzy, but also the furniture is all run down. I have a nice big closet. I took the top bunk to compensate for having a big closet.
It's very hot. We keep fans going at all times. We can paint the windows on the doors. Alice Stanwood lived in my room in 1903, and Jessica Harper lived in my room in 1997. My desk is good.
I am so very glad I did not die before I got here. There are some beautiful things here. And not just material things.
2000-09-05, First college entry
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