Shame
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>Margaret, Mr. Bartos called me at work to talk about the discussion you had with him today.
[It wasn't a discussion. It was nearly a brawl. He locked me out of the classroom. He said "You could at least fake some interest" and I took issue with that. I took a lot of issue with that. I had a forked tongue. I was an ass, I was unpleasant, I was spiteful. I thought I was justified at the time, but afterwards, even before this letter, I felt so conflicted about it. Part of me loved playing the rebel - all day kids came up to me and told me that they were amazed and pleased that I talked back to him. How they wished they could do the same. How mean he was to me. I liked the little bit of admiration, I searched for it. So how rebellious is it if I were always so dependant on the approval of my peers?]
[In our friendships and other personal relationships, we can weed out the people who we clash with. It's considered acceptable, even the right way of dealing with these relationships. What am I supposed to do about relationships in which I have no control over whether or not I'm in them? It makes me lash out, talk back, and pick fights. It makes me bellicose and angry, furious even, and not willing to back down. Even if I don't know what I'm fighting for, or - worse - even if I know I'm fighting for unworthy gains. But I guess I should just take it.]
> He was really taken aback by the degree of disdain that you showed for him. He said that you prefer to read a novel or talk to friends rather than even pretend to pay attention in class. He was particularly troubled by your saying that he should be happy that you were paying attention at all when he caught you trying to do some of the homework in class.
[What did he expect me to say? I shut up when he called me out on it the first time, but I laughed, along with the rest of the class, when he pronounced Guernica "Jer-nick." "I would lay low if I were in your shoes," he said. I said something snipey back, I can't remember it though. "Doing your homework in class like that is a really lousy thing to do," he said. "Everything I do in this class is lousy. It's just different degrees of lousy." The funny thing is, it was the first instance all semester, aside from a term paper, when I exhibited any interest in what was going on in that class - whether for the sake of the material or my own grade.]
>He is really dissapointed and just wishes that you could be more attentive and civil for the last few weeks of school.
>I know you don't think much of Mr. Bartos and I know that you have given me notice that you aren't taking anything seriously at school unless it is something that you are interested in. And I think I made a mistake by not letting you know how wrong I think that is.
[She's right. She did the opposite. She made it feel acceptable.]
I let it slide because I'm so sad and sorry about your depression and I want to support you. But, while I thought that you may not be doing all your homework and the level of effort may not be your usual, I didn't think that you would be openly disdainful of your teachers. That makes me sad too. There will always be people in our lives that are't as good at what they do as we think they should be, or aren't as smart as we are, or otherwise just drive us crazy. But you have to be civil and when those people are teachers or bosses you have to show them repect. Treating people condescendingly is no way to go through life. I've made a lot of mistakes myself in that department - although in my defense I was always nice to my teachers in school.. I really wanted their approval and I wanted to learn someting even when they weren't the best and brightest of teachers. Mr. Bartos is a nice person even if you think he isn't on your intellectual plane. No one wants to be dismissed - you wouldn't if you were in his position.
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>Please, Margaret. there are only two or thre weeks left in school.
[Ten days, not counting exams.]
>Please make an effort to show some respect - do your homework, listen in class. I think you should apologize to him too. At least he cared about you enough to call me. He said he's always liked you and he feels very bad about how things are going now.
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>Mom
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>[Everyone argues complacency on this one. Shut up and take it. It's an easy A if you do the work. Fake interest. The teacher explained that it hurt him personally to see students act disruptively during lectures. And I felt bad for that. I didn't want to hurt him, and I felt awful for doing so. I looked at his glassy eyes and shellacked-in-place hair, and felt so bad when he said "If you don't have respect for me, at least have respect for the subject," and he sounded so pitiful.]
[But I didn't want to lie to him either. I don't want to fake enthusiasm for a grade. And I'm even reluctant to fake enthusiasm to save his feelings. Being obnoxious was unnecessary, but he had always taken issue with my apathy in the class - apathy, not the forked tongue that came later. I don't know. I feel like my pride is at stake.]
[My grandfather used to say that the mark of a fine student was the one who prevailed despite a bad teacher. And that's what makes me sad, and ashamed. More than anything.]
2000-05-27, Shame
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