I always feel so weird on the other campuses, like I really don't belong there, and like I'm going to be found out. And it's always a sort of hateful feeling to realize that you will never speak to these people again.

It is a very reasonable thing to want a boyfriend, but my friends are always saying that I don't try hard enough. Dear Lord I Try. I have tried more this semester than I ever have before. I have taken classes at the coed school, I have taken coed classes here, I have had a radio show at the coed school, I have taken greater care of myself than I have in a long time, I have gone to dance with men, I have tried to be courageous, I have tried.

They can all hush. And I can claim that I'm gonna spend my whole life alone.

One of my friends (while I was hitting on her, which I do a lot) said in annoyed seriousness "You are pure ego. You expect everyone to fall for you, straight or gay, woman or man." Lord above, it is not true. In the least. Believe me. I find it extremely hard to believe that people can be attracted to me, and I say that in earnestness. And it's weird, because I can acknowledge that I'm pretty but I still don't think that people can be attracted to me.

I find that people are bloody unfathomable. (I include myself in that category.)

2002-11-24, Morning

before / after

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