Fallout

More has happened this weekend than normally happens in a few months. I feel overwhelmed. In short, my parents found the bra shots of me. They then proceeded (by some crazy logic leap) to go through my email folders on Eudora. This is what I get for organizing my emails and sorting out the personal correspondences from the Patti Smith babel-list. So, I can now assume that they read my online journal, read my emails, and know everything I think and say. (Because everything I think and say ends up online, in an email or website or somehow.)

And my dad's seen me in a see-through green lacy victoria secret's bra. No no, pictures of me in a see-through green lacy victoria secret's bra. My dad. They've taken away the camera - I can't find it anywhere. (Typical, they haven't talked to me about any of this.)

In short, I have new issues. I don't want to talk about them right now. I don't want to be so analytical. It's wearying, quite bluntly. However, I would like to take this opportunity to respond publicly to the emails from some of my friends. Save me time and energy and keeps me from sounding like a broken record. (I tell the same stories over and over and over again. I'm going to be nauseous.) My comments are in italics to decrease confusion.

From: "Foster Adams" [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: parental units

Date: Sun, 06 Feb 2000 12:58:29 PST

----

Foster

>
> my parents
>
> 1. read my email
> 2. found the margaretporn on the zip drive
> 3. have gone mad
> 4. i wrote them a letter

>

> jesus fucking christ,
> theyve gone mad mad mad as a hatttter
>
> and they know about my site fucking christ you better email me.
>
> i'm babysitting, email me yo

> marge

Holy shit decetives at work. So what's gonna happen? My god, so they where snoopin through your stuff? That's nuts. Read your email? So they went to the lengths to find your password and everything and damn...

Whatd you say in your letter? Or is that where you told em about your internet fiascos? So what are they actually pissed about? I mean, what do they have against you? So you put margaretporn online for like an hour or so. You where smart enough to take it down.. What are they pissed about. Jesus this reminds me of Kristen- when her parents read her diary and got real pissed off about what they read. That's crazy.

-Foster

They didn't need a password. Eudora just hangs out on the desktop, and anyone who wanted to could read it. It's still nuts though. The fact that I put the MargaretPorn online at all was what had bothered them. My mother said "It's all fine and good that you like how you look in skimpy underwear, but putting it online crossed a line. They also kept saying "You're seventeen." What's six months in the grand scheme of things? I'm a number now, too?

The last point is true. They were the ones who took it upon themselves to read what I do. They were the ones who chose to have a daughter. They didn't have to do this, you know.

---

i go mad too if i found half naked pictures of my child on the computer

i'd also lock her up

-----Original Message-----

From: Margaret ... [email protected]
Date: Sunday, February 06, 2000 9:50 AM

my parents have gone completley and utterly insane
they've gone mad
they found the pictures of me
in my bra
and i told them
everything
fucking jesus fucking christ
i'm babysitting, email me

marge

You know, that was in turns evil and deeply hilarious. At the same time as that stung my stomach, I was laughing hysterically. I'm not sure what Becca intended there. She is quite evil. Apparently she asked her mother, hypothetically, what she would do if she found risque photos of herself on the computer. Her mother went mad, mad I say. She immediately assumed that Becca was talking about herself. I guess it's only funny when people do that when you really are talking about yourself.

later note: becca says #A "my mother did not think i was talking about myself" and #B "she probably thought i was talking about you." True enough.

---

I think its good to be in touch with your Inner Exhibitionist, no matter what your parents think. Personally I think quite highly of girls who like to show off their assets, and im actually speaking from experience (good party saturday night)....you will have your tape monday and it will dissolve all those negative emotions, i promise..

mike

The tape dissolved negative emotions, it's quite good. Mmmm mike, the same mike who gave me a hard time for disobeying my parents in the report card case. How can you say "They raised you - you have no right to disobey them," then say "Be an online exhibitionist no matter what your parents think." It's one thing to disobey them by putting bra shots online, it's another to not show them my report card. (Mike's seen the pictures... Funny aside: I sent him an email saying "Mike (That which has seen me in my bra) - When can I see you in women's underwear" And his parents read it before he got a chance to.)

---

I'm exhausted, I'm going to stop thinking for a while. Shouldn't be too hard. My brain needs some time to process everything that's happened recently. I need to take a break, avoid my parents, and try to salvage myself. My head hurts. Just been crying. Thick emotions. This needs to stew. I want to write but I find myself holding back because I'm afraid it will be incomprehensible and emotional and out of control. My last entry was like that - sludgy and messy. (as well as blatantly begging for attention, I'm shameless.) I should have waited on it, but I didn't want it to stew too long. It's hard to tell sometimes, it's a matter of judgement and I'm often lacking in that department. I want to write when I'm calm and things are a little better than they are right now.

2000-02-07, Madness. Insanity. Mass hysteria. Panic.

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