Steph's reaction to my pictures was "You're so creepy."

I'm so proud that I provoke these kinds of responses. It means I'm doing something right.

"Did you really need to put all the death pictures on one page?"

One can never have too much death!

2003-12-14, never never

You know what?

I really like animals.

2003-12-14, filmessay

Today I ran into an old-man poodle. You know how there are "Oh I'm a little poodle!" poodles, and then there's like, a poodle like Charley.

This was like Charley. He rubbed his head in the snow and ran in zig zags until he came up to greet me and I said "Hello old man poodle!" and he said "Hello Margaret!"

That's just how it happened.

2003-12-14, I am in love with a manly poodle

I want my old me back. I want Me Before Wales back.

I told Sarah that sometimes I think Wales was the worst thing that happened to me. And I had thought it would be an amazing thing, a beautiful thing. It was supposed to be a courageous thing, but it was a desperately lonely, emotionally confused, dangerously drunken thing.

And maybe I'm too hard on myself. I feel like I was writing better back then, but of course sometimes I like what I write now. I'm just more likely to share meaningless detritus. And horribly embarrassing notes about sex. Wagh.

I needed a break. Like I need a break now. I learned to travel and relax - I didn't know where I was going to be living when I left, and everything worked out fine. I fell in love with mountains, and the way they smell. I got to go to Italy, which was an amazingly important thing. I read huge amounts of poetry, and I read whatever else I felt like. I went walking, I walked as far as I could. I had very good friends visit me - I remember those visits so strongly and warmly.

But Me Before Wales was so cool. Wales has maybe changed some things in me that I don't entirely like.

I'm sure some of this has to do with the fact that it was the first co-ed situation I've been in in ages and I felt more attractive than ever before and I drank too much and too frequently. It's opened up a lot of uncertainty - I don't know how to deal with all of that, I don't know what to make of anything.

Me before Wales didn't worry about sex and men, which I do now. Me before Wales didn't constantly expose herself as stunningly naive - though I am not so much anymore. I hope I don't always feel so naive, though. I kinda doubt that will go away.

I have to go pick up a friend. Alcohol is such a problematic thing. I can almost understand temperance women. I wish I didn't drink so much. Ugh.

I like to think (and I do think) that I can get back parts of Me before Wales.

2003-12-14, Alright alright

I feel really fucking great today.

I feel like this is too often an account of Me being Angry or Me being Sad, and while that's important - today is fucking great.

I'm well rested and watching Harold and Maude. Last night was good alone time - and I watched Strangers on a Train. The British version, which is fantastic.

I like it when I'm taking care of Me.

After taking Ms. J to the video store, we had some nice conversations. I noted that watching the Adventures of Baron Munchausen has made me realize that I can't wait to have children "upon whom I can inflict psychological trauma!" (Sarah had noted that I can't really show my children the Adventures of Baron Munchausen if I'm keeping them in a big white box. So I said "Okay, how about a box with the movie showing on every surface?" She thought that sounded equally traumatizing.)

Ms. J was not thrilled at this suggestion and has declared that I'm not allowed to have children.

2003-12-14, -

before / after

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